


In the Flesh

by thisbluespirit



Category: Doctor Who (1963), Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Community: 100fandoms, Community: crossoverbingo, Conversations, Crossover, Gen, Mentions of hell, mentions of death/regeneration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 22:52:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19238734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisbluespirit/pseuds/thisbluespirit
Summary: The Doctor walks into a bar and has a drink with the devil.





	In the Flesh

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Crossover Bingo square "death fic" and 100fandoms prompt #56 "alive".

“Doctor! A pleasure to see you again. Alive and in the actual flesh for once.” Lucifer straightened his suit and gave his latest guest a grin. “Allow me to pour you a drink. Or, of course, we could have sex. Whichever you’d prefer.”

The Doctor took a seat at the bar, glancing around the empty night club, before looking back at Lucifer. He put his hat down on the bar and hooked his umbrella on the side by its question mark handle. “I’m not sure pleasure’s the word I’d use. I always thought you were an hallucination brought on by the trauma of regeneration. You’re not even part of my mythology.” He paused and gave Lucifer a distant smile. “As such,” he added. “No offence, of course. You do look real enough – for the moment, at least.”

“I’m always real,” said Lucifer, drawing back. “If I weren’t such an admirer of your work, I’d be hurt, Doctor. Hell is – well – Hell. You know how it is. But we could always count on you to liven things up. I’m not even sure where you found half the creatures you sent down to us. Some proper out and out galactic megalomaniacs and everything. We still have a laugh about that aggressive thing that looked like a ball of snot – ooh, came in about 100 years ago now – that was definitely one of yours, wasn’t it? You know, Maze wound up torturing it with potatoes. Only thing that ever seemed to actually bother the damned thing.” 

The Doctor raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, I know,” said Lucifer. “Dreadful place, hell, I agree, but it had its moments, and you gave us quite a few of them. How about that drink?”

“Can you manage a decent cup of tea?”

“You can buy most things in LA,” said Lucifer, “but rarely that. How about whisky? Vodka?”

“A glass of water will suffice, I think.”

“The hard stuff? Well, if you must…”

The Doctor watched closely as Lucifer screwed up his face in a brief grimace of distaste, and then poured out a soda water and added lemon and novelty ice cubes in dubious shapes. His mind was busy with more weighty matters, thinking on the nature of an improbable hell, and its relation to him. “So, anything that dies here on Earth, you have jurisdiction afterwards?”

“I suppose so,” said Lucifer. He gave the Doctor his most devilish smile. “Even you, it seems. Repeatedly, if not for very long. It’s quite fascinating – which of you put in an appearance and which of you don’t. Or, of course, maybe it’s just that they haven’t yet. You don’t seem to do things in a linear fashion.”

The Doctor nodded. “I hate to be predictable. Although, I’m finding this more than usually unexpected, I have to admit. And is it only Earth?”

Lucifer shrugged. “My business, Doctor, not yours. I just punish those who deserve it. My Father’s the one who likes to make grandiose universal claims. You know how it is.”

“Oh, yes,” said the Doctor. “I’ve met plenty of people with overreaching schemes for the universe. I don’t tend to get along with them, either.”

Lucifer raised his glass in a silent toast. “Anyway, you have my eternal gratitude for livening up many an interminably dull day in hell, Doctor, so if you ever have a favour to ask, it’s yours, _gratis_.”

“I’ll bear it in mind. Is it too much to ask what you’re doing here?”

“Running a nightclub,” said Lucifer, gesturing a hand outwards at Lux. “Feel free to stay and sample our many pleasures. Much more fun than hell. Drink, drugs, sex. Humans who are alive. It makes a nice change.” He paused and gave a bright smile. “Present company accepted, of course, but your visits were hardly typical of the average dead human.”

“I’m not. Human, that is. Or dead. Currently, anyway.”

“So I’d gathered by this point. Humans don’t die at regular intervals for five minutes in the wrong order, before changing into a completely different person. Even celestials and demons don’t run to that kind of thing.” He sipped his drink, and pointed a finger at the Doctor. “I’m almost curious enough to ask, but if it turns out to be another part of some grand plot of Father’s it’d spoil everything, so let’s not.”

The Doctor unbent fully, leaning against the bar, and giving a short laugh. “I doubt that. I’m usually the one making the plots these days. Although, I suppose stranger things _have_ happened. But – forgive me – if you’re here, then who’s running hell?”

Lucifer shrugged. “Who cares?”

“I was wondering if I might have to.”

“As I said – my business, Doctor, not yours,” said Lucifer, narrowing his gaze. “Hell is doing fine on its own. It’s like a little clockwork machine these days, doesn’t need me! And I’m not evil, thanks. I don’t need defeating like your funny little gloating galactic miscreants. We’ve got a lot in common, actually: we both punish the evil-doers.”

“Do we?”

Lucifer gave another, slow smile. “Oh, yes. I think so, don’t you?” Then he put down his glass, the darkness replaced by a gleeful grin. “Besides, I just remembered: I owe you two favours. It’s your lucky day.”

“May I ask how? Or why?”

Lucifer put a hand to his heart. “Your friend Jack. His visits are even more entertaining than yours. If you see him, tell him to pop over and say hi. I’d adore seeing _him_ in the flesh.”

“Jack?”

“Oh, dear, oh dear,” said Lucifer, laughing, as he leant forward to murmur in the Doctor’s ear. “Spoilers.” He pulled back with a wink. “Trust me – you’ve got a lot to look forward to.”

The Doctor wasn’t at all sure he liked the sound of that. “Thank you.”

“Oh, and you’re welcome to stay for my next orgy,” said Lucifer. “Any particular preferences?”

The Doctor put down his glass, and made his final conclusions. “You truly are the devil, aren’t you? Or certainly some sort of anthropomorphisation of the human idea of him.”

“Well, _duh_ ,” said Lucifer. “Haven’t you been paying attention? Now, how about that orgy? You look like you don’t get much, and I hate to see mortals going without, especially the ones I like.”

The Doctor picked up his hat and umbrella. “It’s very kind of you to offer, but I don’t think I will. But aren’t you going to ask me what I desire, Mr Morningstar? I heard it’s quite your little party trick.”

“Ha,” said Lucifer, the laughter leaving his face once more. “Aha. It is, but I think _not_ with you, Doctor. At least, not today. I need to save my strength for the orgy.”


End file.
